MCOYS CHEESE AND ONION CRISPS

It doesn't really taste of either cheese or onion, but it does fill your mouth with oily goodness. Walkers have tried to ape the 'ridge cut' success story, but they always fuck it up, most recently by making the grooves too deep (more on that later). McCoys gets it right however. Crunchy, thick, oily salty slabs of pure nice.

8/10

MILKA/DAIM AMALGAM

This is one of those perfect ideas that only comes along once a generation.

"Hey, how about we combine a Daim bar, presumably formally known as a Dime bar, and then combine it with this chocolate bar I've never heard of called a 'Milka?'

"You mean..."

"Yeah. A chocolate bar with little bits of Dime in".

Ok it's a shit idea. But the resulting chocolate, that resists proper identification in some kind of Cronebergian fusion of a duality of previously separate identities tastes very nice indeed. Quite expensive for such a small bar, but fuck it, it's Wednesday.

7/10

KA BLACK GRAPE

We don't usually go for exotic flavours like 'grape' here in the UK, preferring more mundane experiences like 'cheese' and 'salt'. Elsewhere grape flavoured pop seems reasonably popular. This brand tastes pretty much like any other brand of grape pop, i.e NOTHING LIKE GRAPES AT ALL. There is absolutely no similarity between how this drink tastes and how actual, real life grapes taste. If anything, it tastes like the colour purple. It's pretty good: only 15p a litre and with enough chemicals to make you see God in the clouds.

6/10

FRIJ FUDGE BROWNIE MILKSHAKE

This is an ORDEAL in a bottle, but by and large a good one. I've no idea how they get something so thick by legal means. It's also distressingly sweet, like filling your innards with clay and sherbet. Still, they always seem to be half price everywhere I look, and since they occupy that 'sweet spot' between liquid and solid, they double up as a foodstuff, making this 'drink' excellent value for money. I would 'drink' one every day, but I would almost certainly die.

6/10

NĀKED PECAN PIE BAR

I bit into this without reading the wrapper, expecting it to be drizzled in chocolate and filled with caramel. Turns out the mildly raunchy name is subterfuge: this tastes like every other fruit and nut based health food bar out there, i.e like a partially desiccated turd. It tastes absolutely fuck all like pecan pie. That's definitely one for the ASA to investigate when they get some free time. Also I chipped a bit of my tooth on a stone like lump within. You wouldn't get that with a toffee crisp. It's probably good for you though, so if you have strong teeth and have somehow lost your sense of taste, perhaps through a gas leak or some mishap with fireworks, I say go for it.

2/10

COCA COLA 330ml CAN

Ridiculously popular sugar flavoured fizzy water. Its ubiquity is clearly from its blandness: when someone asks for ' coke' it's shorthand for saying 'I really don't give a shit'. It should be renamed 'apathy' or something snappy like that. It's pretty nice though, especially in a can. Probably a bit too fizzy, definitely a bit too sweet. Who fucking cares?

¯\(°_o)/¯/10

PEPSI MAX 500ml PLASTIC BOTTLE

URGH. Pepsi already tastes revolting compared to Coca Cola, so making it MAX (i.e swapping sugar for aspartame) is a REALLY REALLY STUPID IDEA. Honestly, if you want to be thin, don't drink fizzy drinks. The fact it's in a plastic bottle make it ostensibly worse. I'd rather gargle a warm Panda Pop than drink this swill. URGH.

1/10

WALKERS SALT AND VINEGAR CRISPS

Salt and vinegar. It harkens back to a simpler time. If Henry Walkers ('The Grandfather of Crisps') knew about prawn cocktail flavour, he'd be spinning in his grave. Anyway, these aren't quite as strong as other S&V crisps. No Seabrooks style bleeding roof of mouth here. No, this is a pretty inoffensive snack. Perfect for soaking up booze down the pub, for soaking up booze in front of the telly, or soaking up booze down the park. Combine with a Mars or a Snickers and you may add two points. Otherwise, it's a dutiful, yet ultimately boring snack.

5/10

'EATING COCO POPS' (2012)

COCO POPS

Shove some Coco Pops in your mouth. What's that you can taste? That's right, CLASS. Coco Pops may be alarmingly expensive, but they are the undisputed king the toasted rice in chocolate powder sub group of breakfast cereals. Frankly they shit all over any own brand Choco Snaps any day of the week. Perfect for a weekend treat as you stare into the void and weep about the fact you are an adult who still eats chocolate cereal.

7/10

TESCO EVERYDAY VALUE CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER

Does a jar of peanut butter count as a 'snack'? It does if you eat it out the jar. With your fingers. It may cost 3p a jar, but this is sweet, oily and very nice indeed. Seems a shame to waste it on toast but it's good with that as well. Not as claggy as Sunpat peanut butter either. Pretty much better than most other peanut butter brands, and pound for pound it's cheaper than sawdust.

6/10

MILD CURRY SUPER NOODLES

Is 'curry' even a flavour? Seems a bit reductive to distil a national cuisine into a single foil packet. Anyway, these are predictably awful. I felt less nourished after eating them than I did before. Unlike infinitely classier instant noodle brands like Nissen, you cook these noodles in a sludge of water and curry flavoured dust until they absorb all of it. It's almost as revolting to watch this process as it is to eat them. So much salt your heart will noticeably palpitate for around an hour after finishing them, and not in a good way. Fork out the extra couple of pennies and get some proper ramen.

2/10

SAINSBURY'S BASIC TORTILLA CHIPS

Tortilla chips are pretty crap at the best of times, but these are particularly boring. Stale little cardboard textured triangles with a bit of salt on them. Still preferable to Doritos (any flavour). And they're only 1p per pack. Dip them in Sainsbury's Basic mayonnaise based cheesy dip for the ultimate 'social realist' experience.

3/10

AERO ORANGE BUBBLES

Basically an orange Aero in spherical form. Quite nice but a bit boring after a while. Also very sweet. I liked the fact that they're a bit squidgey. Could be a bit more orangey. Comes in a huge packet. Presumably this is for sharing with friends, but I doubt anyone who buys day-glo orange sweets has any friends. I ate the whole lot on the way back from Tesco and now I feel shit.

4/10

SNICKERS DUO

Not actually a huge Snickers, but instead two fun size snickers shoved together in a packet. Allows for more chocolate coverage, perhaps making this superior to even a king sized Snickers. Densely packed with nougat, nuts and caramel. The nuts mean that this lacks a lot of the clagginess that plague Mars Bars. A king among chocolate bars, perhaps in its most perfect form.

8/10

WALKERS CHEESE AND ONION CRISPS

Thin, greasy and a strong hit of flavour. Very salty. Could easily wolf down a few packets of these. Especially good when combined with a Snickers. Probably the best cheese and onion flavoured crisps apart from Taitos.

7/10

WELCOME TO SNACK FAN

Hello and welcome to SNACK FAN. This is a blog where I will review crisps, sweets, cereal, ready-made sandwiches and probably booze and fags too.

Essentially I will review anything that is
1) bad for you
2) comes pre-packaged and
3) that you can shove in your gob.

All items will be reviewed according to a carefully calculated ten point scale.

10: Actually perfect
9: Almost perfect
8: Excellent
7: Very good
6: Good
5: Average
4: Below average
3: Poor
2: Very poor
1: Awful

Enjoy!