MCOYS CHEESE AND ONION CRISPS

It doesn't really taste of either cheese or onion, but it does fill your mouth with oily goodness. Walkers have tried to ape the 'ridge cut' success story, but they always fuck it up, most recently by making the grooves too deep (more on that later). McCoys gets it right however. Crunchy, thick, oily salty slabs of pure nice.

8/10

MILKA/DAIM AMALGAM

This is one of those perfect ideas that only comes along once a generation.

"Hey, how about we combine a Daim bar, presumably formally known as a Dime bar, and then combine it with this chocolate bar I've never heard of called a 'Milka?'

"You mean..."

"Yeah. A chocolate bar with little bits of Dime in".

Ok it's a shit idea. But the resulting chocolate, that resists proper identification in some kind of Cronebergian fusion of a duality of previously separate identities tastes very nice indeed. Quite expensive for such a small bar, but fuck it, it's Wednesday.

7/10

KA BLACK GRAPE

We don't usually go for exotic flavours like 'grape' here in the UK, preferring more mundane experiences like 'cheese' and 'salt'. Elsewhere grape flavoured pop seems reasonably popular. This brand tastes pretty much like any other brand of grape pop, i.e NOTHING LIKE GRAPES AT ALL. There is absolutely no similarity between how this drink tastes and how actual, real life grapes taste. If anything, it tastes like the colour purple. It's pretty good: only 15p a litre and with enough chemicals to make you see God in the clouds.

6/10

FRIJ FUDGE BROWNIE MILKSHAKE

This is an ORDEAL in a bottle, but by and large a good one. I've no idea how they get something so thick by legal means. It's also distressingly sweet, like filling your innards with clay and sherbet. Still, they always seem to be half price everywhere I look, and since they occupy that 'sweet spot' between liquid and solid, they double up as a foodstuff, making this 'drink' excellent value for money. I would 'drink' one every day, but I would almost certainly die.

6/10

NĀKED PECAN PIE BAR

I bit into this without reading the wrapper, expecting it to be drizzled in chocolate and filled with caramel. Turns out the mildly raunchy name is subterfuge: this tastes like every other fruit and nut based health food bar out there, i.e like a partially desiccated turd. It tastes absolutely fuck all like pecan pie. That's definitely one for the ASA to investigate when they get some free time. Also I chipped a bit of my tooth on a stone like lump within. You wouldn't get that with a toffee crisp. It's probably good for you though, so if you have strong teeth and have somehow lost your sense of taste, perhaps through a gas leak or some mishap with fireworks, I say go for it.

2/10

COCA COLA 330ml CAN

Ridiculously popular sugar flavoured fizzy water. Its ubiquity is clearly from its blandness: when someone asks for ' coke' it's shorthand for saying 'I really don't give a shit'. It should be renamed 'apathy' or something snappy like that. It's pretty nice though, especially in a can. Probably a bit too fizzy, definitely a bit too sweet. Who fucking cares?

¯\(°_o)/¯/10

PEPSI MAX 500ml PLASTIC BOTTLE

URGH. Pepsi already tastes revolting compared to Coca Cola, so making it MAX (i.e swapping sugar for aspartame) is a REALLY REALLY STUPID IDEA. Honestly, if you want to be thin, don't drink fizzy drinks. The fact it's in a plastic bottle make it ostensibly worse. I'd rather gargle a warm Panda Pop than drink this swill. URGH.

1/10